I laid in bed that night and thought about the day
And how my life is like a roller coaster ride
The ups and downs and crazy turns along the way
It'll throw you off if you don't hold on tight
You can't really smile until you've shed some tears
I could die today or I might live on for years
I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautful life
Dear Audrey,
You started Preschool this week with a BANG!!! A Big Crazy Awful BANG! Day 1, the teachers input: Redirect, Redirect, Redirect! OUCH!
Day 2: ( with her mouth in a no turn either way, flat) She was inattentive, didnt maintain eye contact, couldnt sit still, fidgeted. AAHHHH!!!!!
Day 3( different teacher) You pooped your pants and managed to pull them down and get that POOP on the slide and other equipment!!!
WHAT?????.....I know you are a SPIRITED KID...BUT WHAT??????
I managed to apologize to half of the school with my head held low and you hiding behind my back, as I carried your poop-filled clothes bag to the car, holding your hand.
I called every person I knew and asked if they thought something was wrong with you.
I asked Aunt Val to do an evaluation basically, and she said"You are Normal....high-energy, but normal".
I called Aunt Lori and she said, It's been 10 hours of her first school experience and you are ready to call the Intermediate Unit??? Call me again in 10 weeks!
I even sent an email to Pastor Ron( God Bless this man!!!!) and he responded by saying " the poop story will be great to tell when she is older."
I worry about you! That started on November 25th 2008, the day I walked downstairs and held up a stick with 2 blue lines on it and told your handsome and beautiful father, " You arent going to believe what I am about to show you!" and he said "I knew it!!!
I worry that you will get hurt, be sick, get stung by a bee, Poke yourself in the eye with a stick, fall off your bike, or "fit in". I worry that you are too loud, too crazy, TOO SPIRITED.
I worry you are too much like ME! That's right, Sweetie, I am alllll those things.
I am the girl always at the center and always speaking up.
I watched you fall asleep yesterday, after the poop incident. You were angry. You bit me. You were asleep in 2 seconds after it happened, but not before you sat up and said " Mommy, I am very sorry for biting you!" Once you fell asleep, I got down on my knees beside the bed and I layed my hands on you and I prayed from my heart: "Lord, help me to be a better mom to this kid you gave me. Help her to find her way that you alone have set before her, and watch over Jim and I as we help her navigate her life. and bless her Lord with courage, and us." And then I cried.
I want you to be perfect....I suddenly realized it.
And I remember my mom saying that to someone before and it hurting me, deeply, that she didnt want the best I could give...she wanted perfection. I am HER, Audrey.And I get what she meant now.
I dont want you to be perfect for me, I want you to be perfect for you....because I dont want you to ever hurt or miss out on all that life has for you!
But I realize as I type this, I have to change my own attitude....PERFECT DOESNT HELP YOU GROW. PERFECT DOESNT TOUGHEN YOUR SKIN, PERFECT DOESNT ALLOW YOU to learn from all the mistakes that I really do hope you dont make, but know you will, PERFECT DOESNT MAKE FOR A GREAT LIFE, A FULL, RICH, SCARRED, HEALED LIFE!
I am having a hard time letting you grow up and letting you do it imperfectly( like a typical 3 year old)
Last night, you told me that you wanted to sleep in your own room. You kept saying "You painted my room for me!" and I kept responding, YES.
For 3 years, you have fallen asleep in MY room and then I have carried you to that room I painted for you. And now, you wanted to change and grow, and be a big girl. My heart was proud, but sad. Maybe you dont need me as much anymore.
So I crawled in YOUR bed and read you a story, and another, and another.
And we cuddled and we laughed at the "Gellar in the Cellar".
And then, you told me you wanted to go to SQWEEP, your misprounounced word for SLEEP.
I immediately went to get up and shut off the light and you suddenly sat up and said:
"WAIT!"...hands up and head bowed......."Dear Jesus, thank you for our home, thank you for our family, and Molli Girl and Jaggy and Daddy." Amen.
I realized it now, as I was replaying the story back to Aunt Val....in all this newness and carziness and worry.....that one sentence is all that really matters, just 4 little words that you already know and hope you will always remember. Dear Jesus Thank you! They are the only words you need and the best lesson i can teach you.
You see, Audrey.....You dont have to be perfect, someone perfect already paved the way for you, and HE already knows you are going to make mistakes, and he is so much more forgiving than your dad and I can be.
In his note, Pastor Ron wrote: God loves Audrey way more than you and Jim do!"....Isnt that amazing? I am not sure how he can, but he does, and all you have to do is remember that and keep thanking him.
He is who shaped you. He is who sent you to this earth a loud, crazy, wonderful beautiful child.
He is who molded this sometimes awful, always wonderful, awesome, beautiful life that you are just 3 years into. And man o man, does he have a plan for you! A plan to take all that he has given you and tell a grand story through your life. Isnt that awesome. Isnt that perfect????
he sure did teach me today that this isnt just about you, it is about ME. It is him reminding me that he has you covered and he has it all under control, not me.
From now on, I am going to encourage you to be that person he shaped you to be. It is ok to be the life of the party( with boundaries) and I am going to stop saying I am sorry for the beautiful crazy girl that you are and will surely always be. Instead, I am going to praise him for it, and lather myself in the sunshine you project into my life every single day!!!
I love you, all of you, imperfect, loud, crazy, beautiful, loved, blessed.
humbled,
your mom
